Tuesday, 18 December 2007


I'm feeling a bit shaky today. I can't pin it down to any one thing.

Yesterday, I rang the Care Home where I'm hoping to place Mum and was given further verbal confirmation that they were accepting her, so that should make have made me feel a lot less tense. Instead it's like I'm grieving a little. When I was driving back from Day-Care today, I could feel tears welling up.

Then I got a call from the Finance Executive at the Home today, saying that she'd only heard about Mum's imminent arrival today and telling me that we needed to talk about funding. She sounded a bit annoyed that this was being sprung on her. I responded in kind, my nerves fractured, complaining that I'd been left dangling for weeks without confirmation, despite my repeated calls. We established that Mum isn't going to get some additional funding I was counting on (about £100 per week), which wasn't the best news, but there's only one direction to go and that's forward.

And, of course, I'm still worried about what this place is going to be like for Mum. Last night, the staff at Day-Care told me that Mum had asked when she was moving in there. Now, I suspect this was just confusion on her part after I'd told her that the other Home had confirmed her place. Still, I feel more than a little worried about the difference between the two Homes. Mum may well baulk at the more Dementia-geared environment she's going to be living in, after the genteel retirement atmosphere she's been enjoying this past week. I keep having to remind myself that she needs that level of care, and that I've been given rather specific instructions by the Social Worker on that score.

So, I've 3 options as to what is bothering me. It could well be exhaustion again (I barely kept my eyelids open today despite a good night's sleep), but my gut feeling is that this 'wobble' is anticipatory grief - I'm going to be feeling lonely and guilty next week when Mum's gone.


BigAssBelle said...

well now i'm teary eyed with you. maybe i shouldn't read it all in one sitting. it's just so fucking hard. i hate it, i miss my daddy, i know you miss your mom. what a nightmare.

i hope you're feeling more steady by now . . . such a tough thing that this is all on you.

Greg said...

Sorry for making you cry again, Belle. I do hope this isn't making you feel worse about your Dad. Let's comfort each other, eh? We're doing the best we can to be good people and do what's right and that's all we can do.