Thursday, 13 December 2007

stunned

Shortly after I wrote my last post, Mum and I were sitting downstairs. In the middle of conversation, Mum said something odd. I asked her why she would say that and she started saying some very ungrateful things.

I found this unacceptable, and pointed out all that I had done for her over the last few years, the last few months, and especially the last fortnight. I told her that if I'd left her in her flat down South two weeks ago she'd have died alone soon.

She looked at me and said: "I bet you wouldn't be sorry about that."

I was shocked and hurt. How could Mum think that of me?

I had to leave the house to think for a while. I went for a drive and telephoned someone very close to me. She told me that only those we really love can hurt us that badly. It took a long conversation to reassure me.

I came home a few minutes ago. Mum was in the bathroom. I walked into my Study to find that Mum had managed to spill her sticky medicine all over my mouse-pad and keyboard. She denied it. I told her to come in here and see the evidence. I walked out onto the landing to bring her in and she screamed: "DON'T throw me down the stairs!"

Again... how can she think that I would do that?

I feel stunned. I don't know what to do. It's now getting on for midnight and I know I should have started driving South hours ago, but I feel paralysed, feel like I have to reassess everything before I can start. I need to work everything out from first principles. The picture of the world that I had is in pieces. I need to work out if I want to tape it back together the same way or go for a different view. Does that make sense, or is this just exhaustion talking?

5 comments:

Sorata said...

If you don't feel like you can drive to the south tonight, DON'T. The last thing you want is to be driving down on a cold winter night and can't concentrate while you're driving (you probably have that problem anyway, but at least you're not distracted by your own thoughts). You mentioned in your last post that you're exhausted already, it's potentially very dangerous to drive in your condition.

*big bear hug* I'm sorry that you mom said some stuff that hurted you. But it's really just phantom Greg she was trying to talk to, so don't be too upset, alright?

Dee said...

((( hugs ))) AD is a very confusing disease. It wreaks havoc on it's caregivers. Ugh. D

Greg said...

Thanks Humphrey, thanks Dee. I didn't drive down that night but left around 10 the next morning. We're both safely back after spending a weekend down at Mum's place, sorting through clothes & pictures. I'll post something about it once I've settled in. Thanks for the hugs ;-D

BigAssBelle said...

ugh. what a terrible thing. you are trying to make sense of her irrational and misfiring brain cells when they simply make no sense. it's not real, this stuff with her. it's not based on real facts or real fears. it's just a product of the disease.

you've done nothing wrong. take care of yourself.

Greg said...

I reckon the comments on this blog are often more helpful than the original posts - I'm going to have to think about recycling your observation, Belle. Hope that's okay!