heat

Mum rang me thrilled to have spoken with my brother-in-law, though she couldn't remember a single detail from the conversation she had just had.

The Warden tells me that she's told everyone who will listen at the flats about the 'mystery empty box' delivery, apparently. I rang her, after talking to him this morning, to remind her that we'd solved the mystery on Sunday: that she'd emptied the box herself on Saturday and then forgotten about it. She reacted completely shocked, as if it was all news to her.

The Warden rang me because he was very concerned to find all four of Mum's electric hobs turned up to full, with pans and other items stacked on them. He's worried that she's a fire risk. I've decided I must now get around to writing to her Doctors to initiate some sort of assessment process.

empty box

I had spoken to Mum during the week and warned her that I couldn't afford much this Mothers' Day but that I would be sending something small.

Yesterday, I got an excited phone-call.

"I went out to the shops and when I came back, I found two packages outside my door. The flowers have come and THANK YOU, they're BEAUTIFUL!"
"Mum, I'm sorry, but they must be from your son-in-law. I didn't send you flowers"
"Oh..." [sounds of consternation]
"Was there a card with the flowers?"
"Yes, but I didn't open it"
"Well why are you thanking me for them?"
"I just assumed"
"You said there were two packages?"
"Yes"
"Well the other one is probably the one from me. Why don't you leave it until tomorrow to open?"
"Okay"


Today, the phone rang again.

"Hello Mum. Happy Mother's Day"
"My washing machine has broken, so I rang...... etc"

There followed a long conversation discussing the situation regarding the washing machine, the fact that the water was shut off yesterday (when she used it) and my patient explanation as to how that could be the problem. I added my standard request "Please Please Please call ME before calling any company", which will naturally be ignored as usual.

"So, anyway, Mum. I said 'Happy Mother's Day' "
"Yes, well I thanked you yesterday for that"
"No, Mum, you thanked me for the flowers - but they weren't from me"
"No, they were from your brother-in-law. They are beautiful. But you know something odd? The box that came with them was empty!"
"What?"
"Yes, well I opened it this morning and there was nothing inside it"
"Oh No!"

So I got her to describe the box to me, reading out all the details on it's surface. This took several attempts, each one with a protestation that she'd already told me everything, and each revealing more details. I was trying to establish if this was some extra part of my brother-in-law's present, or if it was mine. I pointed out that the box was most likely MY gift.

"No, I got chocolates from you"
[gasp] "Right... yes... so, 'Happy Mother's Day' then"
"So I wonder what happened to whatever was inside this box!"
"Mum, I said 'Happy Mother's Day'. Are you going to thank me for the chocolates?"
"No, well I did that yesterday"
"No.... you didn't. You thanked me for the flowers, which weren't from me"
"Oh!" [consternation]

This is where I began to see the solution. I suggested to Mum that she'd opened the box yesterday, taken out the chocolates, and then opened the box again this morning to find it empty. After all, the chocolates must have come in SOMETHING, and how did she know that they were from me? Mum found this offensive and got angry with me. Mother's Day was turning out to be REALLY worth it! I ended the call with a rather forced repeat of "Happy Mother's Day!"

I got up and decided to check my order receipt from Thorntons. As anticipated, the order number matched the one printed on the mystery box. So my scenario had been correct. Moments later, the phone rang. Mum sounded like she'd proved something.

"I found this card on the display unit... it says 'Happy Mother's Day, Love G' "

I'm learning to accept a silent victory when Mum proves my point for me, even though she has no idea she's doing it...

number

The phone rings:

[Mum's croaky scared voice] "I've got a bit of a problem"
"What's that then?"
"I want to tell someone my phone number... but I... can you tell me what my phone number is?"
"Okay, have you got a pen there?"
"Just a moment... okay"
"Right, it's.... [I slowly list the numbers of her phone number]"
"Okay, now let's see what I've got in this book"
[looks in her address book]
"I've got ..... [she reads out MY phone number]"
"Mum, that's MY number"
"Oh" [stunned]
"Did someone ask you for my number?"
"No"
"Well, you've just read out my number"
[exasperated] "Well, I want to GIVE people your number"
"No, Mum, you've just rung me to find out your own number. You've just written it down"
[incomprehension]
"Mum, who did you want to tell your number to?"
"Sheila and Don. They ring me all the time, you know"
"Why don't they have your number already, then?"
"Because it's changed, hasn't it?"

[this is the point I realise that Mum thinks her number has changed because I've replaced her telephone with a simpler model]

phone

Mum's friend P and I have been on the phone a lot today with me as a go-between after P became concerned that Mum was incapacitated some way. Mum's lost the knack of using her answer machine recently, but today she seemed to forget how to use the phone at all. I had to call Careline, who operate Mum's emergency/entry-phone system, just to make sure she was okay. We eventually managed to talk her through using the telephone again, but I've gone and bought a old-style corded phone online for her which will arrive on Wednesday. I'm hoping that the Warden will help her set it up.

answer

I decide to leave a message on Mum's answer machine for a change.

This is something I would not normally do, since she is liable to call me up time after time for days, thinking that the message is new. In the past, I've had to ask the Warden to visit her and wipe the message from her machine.

This time, I'm hoping it'll work to my advantage. My message is that I want her to start the letter to my Sister that I've been asking her to write for the past 5 years or so, to explain why she's written her out of her Will. I say something like: "As you haven't got much on at the moment, I wonder if maybe you could get around to... etc".

After an hour or so, my phone rings once and then cuts out. I look and it was Mum calling - she doesn't seem to be able to use the phone without doing this at least once. A minute later, I get the call proper and I answer.

"You rang?"
"Oh, it's YOU!" she says, in some surprise.
"Mum, you rang ME"
"Well, the light was blinking"
"That's because there was a message for you. Did you listen to it?"
"No"
"So why did you ring me?"
"I dialled 1471 to get my message but all it gave was your number"
"Mum, do you know how to hear your messages?"
"Yes, I dial 1471!"
"No, Mum. That isn't anything to do with your machine, that's a BT service to tell you the number that last phoned you."
"Oh..."
"If you want to play your message, you have to press the play button on your machine. It looks like a triangle pointing to the right.... do you see it?"
"Yes, should I press it now?"
"No, it won't work while I'm talking to you on the phone. Wait until you've ended the call and try then"
"Okay"

I explain what the message was. She starts getting breathless, the sign these days that she's overloaded. I try and calm her down. She tells me that she doesn't want to write the letter. At first she says it's because she has "too much on these days". I probe this and find it's stuff like "shopping" and "doing the dishes". Next, she tells me that she tries not to write at all these days because she doesn't like her handwriting. I point out to her that she wrote over a hundred Christmas cards a two months ago (and it seemed like she told me a hundred times). She tries to wriggle further off the hook, saying that she has already told my Sister - no - my Brother-in-law - her reasons. I point out that she agreed to write this years ago and has twice promised her Solicitor, that she would do so. I tell her she doesn't need to finish it today, that she can make a start and add to it over the next few days. I offer to listen to the various drafts. I know she won't do it. I don't even think she knows why she doesn't want to do it. I suspect that she just dreads it because she knows that she's done a bad thing and doesn't want to face it. Nowadays she operates on gut reactions and then invents useful rationalisations to explain her decisions. I decide to leave it for now.. again. We end the call.

Five minutes later, my phone rings once and then rings again. I answer.

"Oh, it's YOU!" she exclaims.

battery

I think I need to stencil a message in foot-high letters all around Mum's flat which says, "Ring G BEFORE ringing any company". Every single time I only get to hear about these things afterwards:

3 guesses.... you got it! Yes, it's the car. Unused since last September it wouldn't start, so she called "Norwich Union" (who she always thinks is her insurer, despite having documents from "more than/Sun Alliance") and asked them to come out. They of course simply contacted the Volkswagen dealership, who took the car and replaced the battery (yes... again!). Coup de grace, Mum asked them to do "a service" on the car, which they were obviously delighted to do, having done one about 6 months ago and 4 months before that. I think the word "Service" is a scrap in her head she retains from when Dad was alive. If only she'd attach the word "annual" to it. Actually, that wouldn't help, what with her concept of time being so skewed.

I pointed out to her that we could have rung the dealership ourselves and not used the insurers. I reminded her that after she'd done this five times last year they actually told her that they wouldn't come out a sixth as she'd used up her quota. She made the usual noises which indicate that she has no memory of this and is tolerating me rather than challenging me on it.

I've spoken to the Warden. Turns out that he urged her to call me about it this morning, otherwise I would not have heard at all.

What is the point of me staying in this country if she doesn't use me and I just get the fallout rather than being able to help?

television

Mum's friend P has been encouraging Mum to watch a period series set in Liverpool - I rang last night at 7pm (2 hours before the show) and she had already been watching TV for 2 hours so as not to miss it. She couldn't tell me the name of the show or anything about it, what time it was on, or what time it was now... she just knew to watch the television until it came on... I feel quite depressed by this for some reason, even though Mum was fairly oblivious to how wretched it sounded.

time

The phone rings. It's 8:30am. It's Mum. She knows never to ring me this early - hasn't done for a year - something must be wrong. She sounds breathy over the line.

"I'm looking out the kitchen window and it's snowing. It looks so beautiful!"
"... really?"
"Yes, I rang P to tell her that [the dog] would be missing this"
"What time did you ring her?"
"Oh, about 9:30"
"Mum, it's only 8:30 now. Are you sure you didn't ring them a bit early?"
"NO, they get up early. They're not like you."
"I'm only saying because you obviously think 9:30 was some time ago and we've another hour to go 'til we get there...."
"... G, I know what time it is."

".....!"


The Warden rang today to ask if we were going to sell Mum's car. He said that the last time it had been used was when I drove it last Summer. Since then, Mum's been using the cheap community taxi service. He told me that he'd received a letter from them asking him to speak to Mum. She'd been bad-mouthing the service after failing to turn up at a rendezvous in and having to pay a normal taxi to get home. I'd heard her side of how they'd left her stranded ages ago - it turns out, of course, that the driver WAS there in the right place at the agreed time and had been extremely concerned for Mum. Even though he eventually drove to the flats to check that she was okay, Mum still spent weeks telling all her neighbours how she'd been let down badly. It's a testament to their good will that they let her continue to use the service.

The Warden also said that after Mum's last visit to the Dental Hygenist, she turned up at his office the next day, claiming she was waiting for a taxi to take her shopping in town. In conversation this drifted into being her appointment with the Hygenist again. He suggested that she rang the surgery to check and when she returned she told him that she was tired and had decided not to go shopping that day.

shit

I got a call last night from Mum's friend P. She and her husband have been taking Mum for holidays to their home in Somerset for the last few years. Since a rather Mum-tastic mix-up in Autumn, P has been calling me whenever she's concerned about Mum's mental health. She rang last night to tell me that after speaking to Mum she was worried about Mum's dog. Mum had complained that the dog was now regularly defecating in the hallway, and P knew that the reason for that is that Mum seldom takes the dog for walks any more (and reacts hysterically if she 'does her business' on the shared lawn outside her window). P wanted my 'permission' to ask Mum if they could take the dog off her hands for the rest of Winter, until Mum felt that she was up for walking again. I told P that I was sceptical that Mum would give up her companion and chief object of conversation, but said that I understood her concern and she should try it and see.

Today, Mum rang me to tell me that she was going on holiday to P's place in Somerset and that she'd be away from home for a month. I knew she had it all wrong but pretended innocence and asked a few questions which she couldn't answer. I suggested that she call P back to clarify, and of course she came back to admit that it was the dog that was going on holiday....for a week. I rang P directly, who told me that she had just told Mum (minutes ago) that it would be late Spring before they'd return the dog, though she really thought it would be more humane to keep her permanently, given that Mum really doesn't know how to look after her.

I'm delighted that Mum is taking this so positively, though I suspect it's just another instance of her being so easily manipulated. However, I'm worried that she'll decline even faster without even the dog for company. Once again, I feel anxious about the future and guilty that I'm so far away and can't nip Mum's mistakes in the bud before they get out of hand.

insurance and sad christmas

Mum rang me this morning, as is always the way, after she had done something. She said, "I woke up this morning and I suddenly thought 'my car insurance needs renewing', so I rang Norwich Union to arrange it and they said that the car needed an immobiliser before they would insure it, so I've arranged for someone to come today to install one".

My heart sank, because Mum is actually insured by "More than" (part of Royal & Sun Alliance), and I happen to know that the insurance is renewed at the end of February, automatically. Also, her car already has an immobiliser fitted. I've handled all this stuff for the last 2 years.

I explained as calmly as I was able that I was going to have to ring and try and undo what she had done. I asked for the number she had rung and she gave me an 0800 number. When I rang it, it was indeed Norwich Union - or an Indian call centre representing them. The operator took a while to understand what I was talking about but we eventually established that Mum's details were nowhere on their system.

I rang Mum back to ask her where she'd got the number from, thinking that it was likely to have been junk mail that had told her that her insurance was up. She couldn't tell me where she'd got the number from. I asked her if she had talked to the Warden today. She told me that she had just seen him after speaking to me. I told her I'd ring him, as she had likely told him a different story and I wanted to see what extra details she had remembered for him.

The Warden told me that she had actually spoken to him an hour or two before and that it was HE who suggested Mum call me, as he was a bit dubious that the car required an immobiliser. He said that he'd asked if she'd checked her insurance documents and she had replied that she couldn't find them.

I rang More Than (another Indian call centre), who wouldn't talk to me without Mum's authority, even though I'm named on the insurance. Eventually, they called me back to say that Mum had rung THEM this morning to renew the insurance, rather earlier than expected, but that they had agreed to continue insuring her and noted that the car may not be fitted with an immobiliser - I corrected that. They had not arranged for anyone to fit one - so I'm hoping that part of the story was all in Mum's head.

I never uncovered just where the Norwich Union number came from.

(I've left out a few steps in this process because narrating them would have prevented me from sleeping tonight).

Every single time she does something on her own initiative she screws up. Every single time I spend a day sorting things out for her she agrees that she'll ring me BEFORE she does anything next time. And then we go through the same process again the next time because she only rings AFTERWARDS. How can I possibly think about travelling or living abroad when I have to intervene like this so often? I've taken over or automated all her responsibilities to try and prevent fiascos like this, but short of bricking up her front door and cutting the phone cable, I can't prevent her from doing something random like today's crap.

However, the Warden told me some new stuff about Mum that she's either mercifully forgotten or has kept from me for fear of embarrassment. It was no surprise to learn that he and most of the other residents view her as completely gaga or that she's continually leaving her key in the outside of her door. However, I the one consolation I had about not going to visit this last Christmas was that I knew the residents were having a party, and that Mum was looking forward to it. Indeed afterwards she had told me what a great time had been had by all. But it turns out that Mum didn't attend. The next day, when he asked her if she'd had a good time, she glowed and said it had been super, but the resident standing next to her had to intervene and say "But, my Dear, you weren't there!". "Oh, was I not?" Mum answered, confused. Apparently she then spent a while outside the Warden's Office door on Boxing Day until someone explained that he wouldn't be coming in. She had no idea what day it was.

forwarding

Maybe I needn't bother sending Mum presents in future, as this year she automatically rang me up when things came through the door and thanked me whether I'd sent them or not. She doesn't read or maybe mislays any cards. My flowers arrived today, as ordered, thankfully.

Mum wanted me to contact my brother-in-law a couple of days ago. It's indicative of how she is mentally. She rang me up in some confusion to say that she'd had an envelope through her door addressed to him, and she asked what she should do about it. At first I took it that she was penny-pinching again and balking at the thought of buying a stamp. She's funny that way: she'll happily send off £250 to charity, but is flabbergasted by the expense of a 50p stamp. On investigation, and this took her about 10 different attempts before I could get the picture (she really can't describe the same thing twice without it sounding contrary), it turned out that the envelope was addressed by name only, as if it had been hand-delivered. However, when she said there was a sticker on the envelope, I suspected that this covered the original address, which was probably our old house (no point in explaining to Mum). It was about 30 minutes into our Q&A session that she let slip that the envelope was empty.... So she wanted to know if she should forward an empty envelope to my brother-in-law.... It's possible but unlikely that the envelope was opened and accidentally forwarded empty by the new owners of the house. It's far MORE likely that Mum opened it, put the contents on her vast heap of papers that cover her dining table, and then came across the envelope a few days later. Either that or it contained a Christmas card, which she's got on display without realising that it's not for her. I know it's pointless investigating further - what a frustrating telephone call!

nobody's birthday 2

The phone rings.
"Hello?"
"Morning. Listen, I haven't got long because my Chiropodist is coming, but I wanted to tell you that I've got a card for you. I'm sorry I didn't get it off on time, but it's a nice card."
"Mum, there's no rush. There are about 20 days 'til my Birthday."
[sounds of consternation]
"Mum, do you know what date it is?"
"Now listen, I haven't got time for this. I've got to concentrate on my feet now"
"Your Chiropodist hasn't come yet, Mum. What date is it?"
"It's the 11th October"
"Close Mum. That was yesterday. Now we had this conversation yesterday..."
"Please leave me alone, after all it IS my Birthday!"
"No it ISN'T!"

etc etc

I can't believe it! Two days on the trot! Then she started insisting that she had £3000 in her current account, which cannot be. I had to force her to go to the bedroom and read her statement out to me. Triumphantly, she read out, "CASH ISA £3000" as if that meant "Current Account"....

It was today I thought about starting this blog.

about 10 minutes later...

Ring Ring
"Hello?"
"I've got a parcel here from amazon. I suppose that's from your brother-in-law?"
"Could be"
"Okay, well, I'll open that later"
"MUM, WHY DON'T YOU OPEN IT ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!"
"Okay, I'll open it tomorrow then."
"NO, tomorrow isn't your birthday.... Look Mum, why don't you wait for ME to tell YOU when it is your birthday?"
"Alright then"

nobody's birthday

First thing in the morning, my phone rings.
"Happy Birthday!". I take a moment to just let that settle on me.

"Mum, it's not my Birthday today. My Birthday is on the 1st of November".
"Oh...er...so what day is it today?"
"It's the 11th of October today, Mum."
"The 11th of October"
"We've not even had YOUR Birthday yet, Mum."
"Well, I've got your card today, it says 'Not to be opened until the 14th October' on it."
"Mum, that's not from me. I haven't sent your card yet"
"Well, who COULD it be from, then?"
etc.


I'm not sure why the above has upset me particularly more than the usual stuff. Perhaps, because my Birthday is personal to me, I've taken it personally?

It used to be evenings when Mum lost her edge.

paying for company

Mum rang this afternoon to tell me that she was buying herself a new microwave. Apparently the "old" one had just stopped working. She got pretty shirty when I suggested that she ask the Warden try replacing the fuse first, and it became obvious that she just wanted to BUY something. As the conversation progressed it turned out that she'd already called her preferred store in the nearby town who "are very good" and that the new one would cost around £40. I asked about delivery, but she insisted that delivery and installation were free. I pointed out that if she had rung me first, I could have given her several options on-line and arranged delivery for less, but she stuck to her guns, eventually admitting that she'd already agreed to buy and arranged delivery for Monday. I rang the shop she'd used, which turned out to have a delivery charge AND a charge for taking away the old equipment, which means that she'll be paying £65 in all. Needless to say, she wasn't very happy that I'd checked up on her. This shop has done pretty well out of her, too. This is the same place she bought her new fridge from earlier this year, despite the faulty one being under a guarantee which would have seen it replaced free of charge! A guarantee which she was still making payments on when I got down there this summer...

Mum just wants social contact, and if it means paying someone for that little bit of interaction, so be it. You can hear the excitement in her voice - it's been the same since Dad died and she started having pointless work done on the old house. She just needs company, and she'll happily pay for it. And I'm the bad guy for trying to look out for her and save her money.

outrage

Mum rang me with a note of outrage and terror in her voice to announce that she had just received a package from a catalogue firm and that she HAD NOT ORDERED ANYTHING from them! She felt they were persecuting her by sending things she hadn't ordered. I asked her to open the package while she was on the phone, and it turned out to be a blouse that she suddenly remembered that she'd ordered 2 days ago....Later in the day, I reminded her of this to show her how unreliable her memory is - she didn't believe me and it didn't go down well...

bags packed

I had an interesting phone call from Mum's friend P - she and her husband pick Mum up once a year and treat her to a week in Somerset. She rang to confirm that they're going to pick Mum up on the 23rd October this year. She's never felt the need to ring me before, but she told me that she was VERY concerned about Mum's memory. We discussed some of Mum's various slip-ups of late - it was some comfort to have someone else notice these things.

These same friends stayed with Mum for a night last month on their way to an event in London - Mum greeted them at the door with her bags packed, thinking that she was going away despite having spoken to them on the phone just that morning to arrange their over-nighter. P said it was deeply upsetting to witness her humiliation.

Still, I don't feel so alone in this anymore.

havoc

Mum is wreaking more havoc - I swear she's getting worse every day. Today she:

1) Was unable to write my address out consistently (she can't read her own writing)
2) Overlooked vital post when she's meant to be telling me about each item that arrives
3) Told everyone that she was suddenly going away for 2 weeks from Wednesday after a conversation she obviously made up in her head to cover over a blank in her memory - the trip is (and always was) in October...

It would have been nice for her to acknowledge the "remote control" guide that I spent a whole day designing/printing/laminating for her, but it was just another item of post she neglected to inform me had arrived. Try as I might, I can't get her to even thank me for making the effort - why do I bother?

recognition

I've just returned from a two week stay with Mum. As anticipated, it was somewhat stressful for both of us, as Mum seemed to hit a new painful low every day. It became evident that she cannot do even simple maths ( of the 3-2=1 variety) or recognise important mail. This might explain why she'd kept covering letters as if they were important and mislaid her car insurance documents and MOT... Anyway, I've restructured her accounts in such a way that there is a "managing account" into which both her pensions are paid and from which all her Direct Debits go out. The remainder is paid by standing order into a new "spending account", which will be the only one that she deals with from now on. I've worked out that she really shouldn't be spending more than £1,160 a month. It may be a struggle for her at first, since she's habitually been spending closer to £3,000 (£300 on food and the rest on catalogue clothes, herbal miracle cures and charities). She's leaning quite heavily on me at the moment, as I think she's finally accepting that she needs some help.

disinherited

We're having the same conversation over and over again, and each time I think I've won her over, she comes back the next day feeling just as bad and I have to start over. This started the day after my brother-in-law and my nieces left after a week's visit. She rang me and said immediately: "I've decided that I'm going to write J out of my will". [J is one of her grand-daughters]

I was stunned. When I questioned her, she told me that J had treated her badly during the stay. I asked what she meant by this and after much probing it came down to a look J gave Mum on the last day when Mum was trying to wake them up in time to leave. I was pretty scared by this - that something so trivial could now be the trigger to be written out of her will (after all, Mum and I have huge arguments every time I'm down there). I asked her what was it about this "look" that upset her and she started saying "I think that she thinks that I'm old and useless" and stuff like that. I stopped her there and said that it was dangerous to start putting words in people's mouths (or heads) and the look could have been anything - after all J was just waking up. After many attempts, the winning argument was for me to say, "well, if you took any one week of my childhood at age 10, I'm sure I'd have behaved much worse", which seemed to calm her down and amuse her. I thought we'd resolved it there but, like I say, she keeps coming back the next day with the idea fresh in her head. I'm also worried because it's not a good sign at all that she's using her will like that, vindictively. While I still oppose her writing my Sister out of the will, I can understand that she based THAT decision on M's adult behaviour. I CANNOT, however, support her judging a 10-year-old on the same adult basis. I'm genuinely worried for J - who is now going to be scrutinised next year before Mum makes her decision (that's all I seem to have achieved by my arguments). Well, hopefully by then she'll have forgotten all about the whole idea.

We had another ding-dong row this morning after we'd dealt with the above once again. This time it was over the following - amusing on it's own but SO indicative of how messed up Mum's thinking is:

"I've been looking at this Barnardo's thing that came through my door today"
"Mum, PLEASE don't send any more money off to charity"
"I'm NOT going to!"
"Good. Anyway, Dad gave to Barnardo's every month for years. I think they've had enough out of us."
"Did he? I never knew that!"
"Yes, it was one of the two charities he sent off to regularly."
"Anyway, it's all right if I leave some money in my will to them, isn't it?"
"How much were you thinking?"
"About £400"
"Well that's okay, I suppose, but remember that each time you change your will it costs you a couple of hundred"
"I'm not changing my will!"
"Er...I'm confused. You did say you were going to put the £400 in your will."
"Well it won't have to go in the will if I give it to them now, will it?"
"What?"
"If I give them the £400 now then I don't have to put it in my will."
"So what you're saying is that you want to send £400 off to charity."
"Yes."
"Mum........." (and start again from the top)

It's very hard to argue with someone who forgets themselves so soon!

The above led to me reminding her of so many previous occasions where I've had to argue her out of making such large donations. She got very upset by the implication that she'd forgotten these previous conversations and did what she always does, which is to try and end the conversation there. This is how we end up never resolving anything - Mum has never lost an argument in her life because she's never there to hear the end of one.

I can see myself putting in another 10 or 20 years worrying about and looking after this woman only to find that she's written me out of her will for a sour look I gave her one day in 1986. I'm going to have a talk with her when I'm down South where I'll point out to her that if she continues in this way she'll have no-one that remembers her kindly when she's gone. I also wonder if there's some point at which we can "freeze" the will as being the last point where she was of sound mind. I've already written to Mum's Solicitor today with this in mind - she is more than sympathetic, having witness first-hand Mum's failing mental state.

letter to Mum's Solicitor

Dear S

Thanks for replying to what I'm sure was a rather tedious and incoherent list of problems that I'm experiencing with my Mum. It helps just to know that you understand and are taking it seriously.

Only this morning, I had Mum on the phone anxious that she didn't have enough in her account to pay her service charge bill. She had just spoken to her Bank Manager to get her balance, and it turned out that she believed the £1000 bill was greater than her £3400 balance - her maths is that poor - and this despite the fact that we had discussed this same bill last week and gone to some lengths to ensure that her balance was sufficient to pay it.

In your reply, you recommend that we set up the Power of Attorney and that I take control of Mum's financial affairs. I'm grateful that you offer to explain to Mother how this would help her, as she is liable to be a bit prickly at times and easily jumps to the conclusion that it's part of a process to send her off to a home! However, I believe she is more receptive to the idea now than she was a year ago, and I have been heartened by her reliance on me in the last few months.

I am, however, a little nervous myself about this step and would appreciate it if you could perhaps help outline for me a scenario of how I could manage my Mum's affairs from a distance. Perhaps if I describe how I imagine it would work, you could correct me or suggest ideas I have not considered?

Firstly, I believe my Mother is still capable of, and enjoys, managing her own affairs to the extent of shopping for herself, arranging her hair and chiropody appointments and grooming for her dog. I would like her to continue dealing with these items as she does now, out of a 'Daily' account, but I would like to be able to go online to see what's been going on in this account and question her about any anomalous cheques or repeated payments. Much as I'd LOVE to take away Mum's chequebook, I don't want her to keep having to walk to the bank to get cash. For now, I hope that oversight of her account by internet will help me spot any problem cheques as soon as possible. Another advantage of my having internet oversight would be that I could provide Mum with her balance at any time - she tends to ring her bank manager a couple of times a week for this.

Secondly, as I think you suggested once, I think that I'd like to have Mum's 'Daily' account be paid out of a 'Managing' account that I would look after on her behalf - this would pay Mum's more regular running expenses (council tax, service charge, direct debits) before paying her the remainder as an allowance. This would mean that she doesn't have to worry about these charges, and would allow me to budget for semi-annual and annual charges, rather than drawing on her savings to pay for them, as has been Mum's practice. I have already arranged with the managing company of her apartments that they send their bills and statements to me rather than to confuse Mum - I would hope that it's simply a matter of asking the same of the council, the electricity board and so on as well.

I apologise if that was a bit specific. I was trying to work through my ideas on the page. Please could you let me know if the above is possible, recommended, or indeed if you have a better or simpler solution. Please also let me know if I need to come to see you at any part of the process. I expect I shall need to meet Mum's bank manager again in any case.

I look forward to your response on this issue. I don't wish to proceed until I understand how the thing works myself.

Thank you again